When I come to visit the States I try not to bring a lot of baggage. I do bring gifts, but not a lot of anything else as things become much too heavy. But what I find is that,whenever I return, there is a lot of baggage that has been left unattended .
There is a song by the musician Meatloaf called, “Objects in the Rearview Mirror (May Appear Closer Than They Are)” which realistically portrays our lives as human beings, i.e. there are things which might have happened long ago but somehow they remain close.
My mother carries a lot of weight, not only physically but also emotionally. Most times, the weight causes her to hunch over onto her walker in order to walk or just plop into a chair. Observing this is quite heavy for me. I’ve heard the stories of her childhood being the youngest of three girls, raised by a Russian Jewish immigrant, Minnie and her husband Louie, born in New York. My recollection is that Louie never quite made it and that there were always financial issues. Minnie was really short, never learned how to drive, kept kosher and always made boiled chicken and soup on Friday nights.
From what I know the major physical trauma in my mother’s life came when she was 17 or so and fell down some stairs at her high school, causing her to be in a body cast for a year. She was never able to graduate with her class. Her family being some distance from the hospital hardly came to visit her. From what I could garner, Minnie being from the old country, didn’t know much about parenting and I’m not sure how much encouragement or love was given to my mom or her siblings. I could never detect a lot of love between my mother’s family members.
There was, of course, marriage to my father, now going on 61 years, three children, one of whom died 30 years ago, financial issues, overeating, all adding to the weight, leading to further body deterioration, falling down numerous times leading to my mom’s present state.
Although I watch what I eat and try to stand erect I feel a lot weight, as if gravity is pushing and originates from my parent’s home. I take on this weight, which over time, at least emotionally has somewhat wounded me and possibly my children. I know that it had somewhat to do with my divorce.
My lovely daughter is going through some difficult times which is also very weighty. It’s difficult, as if, at times, she is just floating. I remember this feeling, very unworldly, difficult to make decisions and be totally conscious of what is occurring.
My son, is a monk, living in an ashram in Encinitas, California. He recently told me about his feelings regarding my divorce. It was very enlightening, as Dan is a wise soul, but also reminded me of my objects in the rearview mirror and how close they are.
Ultimately the questions become: how do I deter myself from taking on weight?; how best can I come to terms with my baggage, which over a certain amount causes me to have to pay additional fees; and how might I stop looking in my rearview mirror?
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